Just coming on here with a quick update to let everyone know I am still alive. Really didn’t mean to be away this long. Been really feeling a bit under the weather and now I have the flu. Guess I shold concider myself lucky as I haven’t really had a bad flu in a long time.

Terry is still waiting for a call out west. I  don’t see any reason why he won’t get a call. Sure I will really miss him but it’s a good paying  job. I am just really not used to being alone in a house at night. When I am alone , I start hearing things and it creeps me the hell out. :lol:  I miss my son Danny more  each day. I know we didn’t see eye to eye all the time, but  the life he was living in California, really changed him. He didn’t even like  who he had become.

Sometimes  when I am alone, I sit down and think of the good times when he was here and the laughs we had at times and then I start to cry. No one really knows how torn up inside I am. I try to hide it for the most part. I don’t know what else to do. It has been so hard on me and still is.   Sometimes I don’t know if I will ever get through this,.

It’s as if I am not even the same person  since all this. Maybe if I had some closure , it would  ease some of the pain. But I never even got a chance to see him or to say good-bye. That is the way his ex wife wanted it. She didn’t care about him at all. she made his life a living hell and she is one heartless bitch . I know Karma will come back and bite her in her fat ass. After she finishes spending the big insurance check I am sure she got. I hope she burns in hell. Even that’s too good for her. Well I need to go get some rest. I will be back soon with another post .

Yes, here I am. Actually I did a post on here last week but deleted it shortly after because I was on a ranting spree a little way too much. So much has been going on with me, I really don’t know where to begin. I go to bed at night and I just lay there unable to sleep. It is driving me crazy. The sun is up before I even attempt to get any sleep. Seems to be just one thing after another. Trying to stay stress free but it just isn’t happening. I seem to be constantly alone which really doesn’t help the situation.

Yes I  know Terry works everyday through the week. But hell, he gets a lot more sleep than I do. When he comes home, it would be nice to sit down together and watch tv. It very seldom happens because he ends up falling asleep in no time at all in that damn recliner. Other men work all day, but I am sure they take some time to watch tv a bit with their wives,. This even happens sometimes on the weekends. All I know it is really pissing me off big time.

Then we find out last night that Terry’s parents are coming up on June 19 and spending a week with us. I think the world of his parents. They are 2 of the nicest people I have ever met. But it is just not a good time. Would have been better if it were around July or August. There is so much we need to get done on the house and we are not going to have it all done by June. But they already booked their tickets. So now I am stressed out again. I am going to have to finish painting the kitchen etc before then. And Terry said his dad mentioned to him about taking a trip to P.E.I the weekend they are up. It sounds nice but it is around the time of Jordan’s grad which I need to prepare for and we can’t leave the animals alone for an entire weekend. But of course, Terry didn’t mention a damn thing  about anything when he was talking to them on the phone.

It seems like he just sleeps every evening and I am left with all the stress and worries. I really don’t know how much more I can take. I am gonna try not to even worry about it. Leave him worry about getting everything done in less than 2 months. Oh and that’s not all. We threw out the bed that was in the spare bedroom. So now we have to buy something to put in there for when they come up as well.

I have had so much to deal with since the beginning of the year. When in the hell is it ever going to end. If Terry does get a call for out west. he is going to try and take the september classes. I guess him being out there won’t be much different than now . I am by myself most of the time anyway so I guess it really wont be any different than what it is now.  Will be back in a few days. So til next time, take care.

Hello People. Well today was my youngest son’s birthday. He turned 20 today. It seems hard to believe. Time is moving forward so quickly but in certain situation’s for me it just seems to be standing still. I know I really need to get past all that has been going on in my life and move forward. Just not sure how to do that.

I made another memorial video for my son over on photobucket. Just not sure how to get it from there to save on my pc. It won’t seem to let me. But there must be a way. Maybe I just don’t have the patience to keep trying. One of my faults is my lack of patience.

Packed up a large box of items for my grandkids today. My oldest grandson will be 4 on the 29th. He is growing up .

It is almost the end of March and we have a damn snowstorm coming tomorrow. This really disgusts me. I hate the snow in the winter let alone having it in the spring. We have a lot of work to do on this house once the warm weather comes. We already have our kitchen tiles and Terry ordered our big window. We still need to get all our small windows, our walk in shower, our aluminum outside door, and our backdoor. Not to mention the lumber to build our new front step. At least Terry gets a discount on everything whee he works. 

I know it is going to take time to get everything done. He is taking a weeks vacation in May and then another week in August.

I just really came on here to do a quick entry at least. Not much else to say right now. Will be back though in a couple of days with another post. Take care all .

I would love to say things are getting back to normal for me, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Ever since Danny passed away, I have been like a lost soul. I really don’t know any other way to put it. There are just some things that are just eating away at me. Maybe if I had of had a chance to say good-bye to him, talk to him etc, it would be different. But I was deprived of that chance. I know the way I am feeling is unhealthy for me. I just can’t help myself and I really don’t know what to do anymore.

I was looking through my stats a few mins ago, and I discovered that Danny had visited my blog here on Feb,18 2012. Several times. That was 3 days before he was gone. I am carrying around so much right now. Pain, anger, frustration etc. I am like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. I am barely sleeping, and when I do, I have nightmares. I have seen Danny twice in my dreams in the past week. Maybe they weren’t even dreams. Yes, I know I must sound like I am losing my mind. But in all honesty, when my mom passed away, I had some real strange experiences.

I am about to say something that may seem a little strange to you. On Feb, 21 I was in a fairly good mood all that day. That night, I settled down for the evening to relax and watch some T.V. Later that night , a strange feeling came over me. I got really sick, dizzy, and so weak, I thought I was going to pass out. I had no idea why because earlier, I felt fine. Also, Jordan became sick and ended up having to go to bed.This was the time Danny was being struck . I had no idea this was happening at the time. I found out the next morning. Also a coule of days before that, Jordan woke up in the middle of the night and came downstairs to get a drink of water. My dog was standing in the middle of the dining room floor looking up at the ceiling and barking and howling. I heard him doing this myself several times earlier in the week. Dogs can sense Death. I really don’t know what to think anymore. I have also had headaches all that week which I have had before both my mom and dad passed away.

Continue reading “Emotional Rollercoaster” »

I know it has been awhile once again. But certain circumstances came about that were just beyond my control. On Tuesday, Feb 21, 2012, I lost my son in a tragic accident He was only 34 years of age. He was living in California at the time. My family and I never even got the chance to say good-bye. We were hoping his ex wife would do the right thing and have his remains sent back home where he wanted to be,. But that just didn’t happen. She is a selfish bitter woman, . I know she only kept him down there for spite. Not because she loved him. She made his life a living hell.. Now I am guessing she will visit his grave site  just to fight with him thee. I know she reads this blog, and I could care less. Just for the fact that she is a nosy bitch.

My son left behind a 3 year old child. That boy was his pride and joy. It is the child I feel so sorry for. My son had his whole life ahead of him. If only he had of come back home when he wanted to, he would be alive today.

I put together a little memorial video for him which I have added to the side of this page. I am trying to get my life back on track but it has been very hard. I haven’t been sleeping very well and have barely eaten in 2 weeks. A mother just doesn’t expect to lose her child. It isn’t supposed to be that way. We expect to go first.

Yes, my son and I have had our differences and he has had them with the rest of the family as well. But she made him be that way with her threats etc. There were times when my son and I have said some hurtful things to each other. They were said out of anger. We both had a stubborn streak. But no matter what, we would always contact each other down the road and apologize.

Continue reading “Life !!!” »